Abu Ali Counts his Donkeys

One day Abu Ali went to the fair, and bought nine donkeys. He rode home on one of them the rest of the donkeys followed behind.
After a while Abu Ali said to himself, “I must make sure all my donkeys are here.” And he turned round to count them.
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Oh! Where’s number nine?” Abu Ali cried
He jumped down from his donkey. He looked behind the rocks and behind the trees. But there was no donkey to be seen.
“I’ll count them again,” Abu Ali said. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Oh, he must have come back.”
So Abu Ali climbed back on to the donkey and trotted away.
After a while he counted his donkeys again. He counted only eight! Once more he looked behind the rocks and behind the trees. But there was no donkey to be seen.
“I will count again,” he said, and this time there were nine.
Just then Abu Ali saw his friend Musa walking along the road. “Musa,” he called. “Help me to count my donkeys. I keep losing one. When I stop to count I have only eight, but when I get down looking for the ninth, there he is again!”
“Well, I can see ten donkeys, Abu Ali,” laughed Musa. “And the tenth donkey’s name is Abu Ali”

The Perfect Husband?

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's
only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone is???!!!"

This example of spoof is taken from: www.cleanjoke.com/humor/The-Perfect-Husband.html

Goat Jumping into Deep Hole

Two men were walking through the woods and come across a very big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." One replied,"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and we will see how deep this hole is." Then they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Geeez. That is really deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise." After that, they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. but no noise they heard.

Wow.. They were really impressed with how deep hole it was. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in this hole, it's must make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. But, not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The goat disappeared into the deep hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. How could a goat jump into the hole? Then, not long after that, out of the woods comes a farmer. He seemed to seek something and asked to the two men, "Hey two guys... have you seen my goat out here?"

Feeling amazing with what they saw of a goat jumping to the hole, they answer straightly,"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen! A goat came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

The farmer thought a moment and said, "That could not have been my goat. Because my goat was chained to a railroad tie." Then he left the two men.
This example of spoof text is rewritten from: www.funnies.co

"Honey What is for Supper?"

Honey, What's For Supper?
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

“Here's what you do,” said the doctor. “Start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, “I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what's for supper?”
No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what's for supper?”
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what's for supper?”
Again he gets no response.

So he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what's for supper?”
Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for supper?”
“Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

Note: This example of spoof text is taken from: www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/For_Supper.htm

What time is it?

A tramp lie down and sleep in the park. He had been sleeping for about 5 minutes when a couple walked by. The man stopped, woke the tramp up , and asked him, "Excuse me.
Do you know what the time is?" The tramp replied, "I'm sorry - I don't have a watch, so I don't know the time."
The man apologized for waking the tramp and the couple walked away.

The tramp lay down again, and after a few minutes went back to sleep. Just then, a woman, who was out walking her dog, shook the tramp's shoulder until he woke up again.
The woman said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm afraid I've lost my watch - do you happen to know the time?" The tramp was a little annoyed at being woken up again, but he politely told the woman that he didn't have a watch and didn't know the time.

After the woman had gone, the tramp had an idea.
He opened the bag that contained all his possessions and got out a pen, a piece of paper and some string. On the paper, he wrote down, 'I do not have a watch. I do not know the time'.
He then hung the paper round his neck and eventually dropped off again.

After about 15 minutes, a policeman who was walking through the park noticed the tramp asleep on the bench, and the sign around his neck.
He woke the tramp up and said, "I read your sign. I thought you'd like to know that it's 2:30 p.m."

This spoof text is taken from www.kinglishschool.com/joke_tramp.htm

Abu Nawas saved by stilts

The king wanted to test Abu Nawas’ smartness. So he invited Abu Nawas to the palace. “You want me, your Majesty?” greeted Abu Nawas. “Yes, you have fooled me three times and that’s too much. I want you to leave the country. Otherwise you will have to go to jail” said the king. “If that is what you want, I will do what you said” said Abu Nawas sadly. Then “Remember, from tomorrow you may not step on the ground of this country anymore” the king said seriously. Then Abu nawas left the king palace sadly.

The following morning the king ordered his two guards to go to Abu Nawas’ house. The guards were very surprised found Abu Nawas still in his house. He had not left the country yet. Instead leaving the country, Abu Nawas was swimming in small pool in front of his house. “Hey Abu Nawas, why haven’t you left this country yet? The king ordered you not to step on the ground of this country anymore, didn’t he?” said the guards. “Sure he did” answered Abu Nawas calmly. “But look at me! Do I step on the ground of this country? No, I do not step on the ground. I am swimming on the water” continued Abu Nawas.

The guards were not able to argue with Abu Nawas so they left Abu Nawas’ house and went back to the palace. The guards reported what they had seen to the king. The king was curious on Abu Nawas’ excuse not to leave the country. Therefore the king ordered his guard to call Abu Nawas to come to the palace.

Abu Nawas came to the palace on stilts. The king wondered and said “Abu, I will surely punish you because you haven’t done what I have said. You have not left this country”. The King continued “And now, look at you. You walk on stilts like a child. Are you crazy? The king pretended to be furious.

“I remember exactly what you said, Your Majesty” Abu Nawas answered calmly. “This morning I took a bath in the small pool in my house so that I had not to step on the ground. And since yesterday, I have been walking on this stilts. So you see, Your Majesty, I do not step on the ground of this country”. The king was not able to say anything.
(Adapted from S. Harianto’s Abu Nawas and King Aaron)

"The phone is off"

Soon after he left college, Dave found one of his uncles who was very rich and had no children of his own died and left him a lot of money, so he decided to set up his own real estate agency.
Dave found a nice office. He bought some new furniture and moved in. he had only been there for e few hours when he heard someone coming toward the door of his office.
“It must be my first customer” Dave thought. He quickly picked up the telephone and pretended to be very busy answering an important call from someone in New York who wanted to buy a big and expensive house in the country.
The man knocked at the door while this was going on. He came in and waited politely for Dave to finish his conversation on the phone. Then the man said to Dave; “I am from the telephone company and I was sent here to connect your telephone”

Expressing a wish and If only or a regret

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"Wish and If only" are both used to talk about regrets – things that we would like to change either about the past or the present.

Use of I wish / if only:

There are three distinct types of  I wish / if only  sentences:

1. Wish, wanting change for the present or future with the simple past.
2. Regret with the past perfect.
3. Complaints with would + verb.

Expressing a wish:

Form:

If only / I wish + simple past

Example:

If only I knew how to use a computer. (I don’t know how to use a computer and I would like to learn how to use it)

Use:

• To express a wish in the present or in the future.
• The simple past here is an unreal past.
• When you use the verb to be the form is “were”.
  Example:
  I wish I were a millionaire!

Expressing regret:

Form:

If only / I wish + past perfect

Example:

If only I had woken up early. (I didn’t wake up early and I missed my bus.)

Use:

• To express a regret.
• The action is past.

Complaining:

Form:

I wish / if only + would + verb

Example:

I wish you wouldn't arrive so late all the time (I'm annoyed because you always come late and I want you to arrive on time)

Use:

• To complain about a behaviour that you disapprove.
• Expressing impatience, annoyance or dissatisfaction with a present action.

Talking about the present

• If only I didn’t have so much homework I could go to the concert tonight. She has a lot of homework and she can’t go to the concert.
• I wish you didn’t live so far away.
• I wish I knew what to do.

When we talk about present regrets, both wish and if only are followed by the past simple tense. The past tense emphasises that we are talking about something ‘unreal’.

Talking about the past

• I wish I’d studied harder when I was at school. He didn’t study harder when he was at school.
• I wish I hadn’t eaten all that chocolate. I feel sick.
• If only I’d known you were coming.

Both wish and if only are followed by the past perfect tense when we talk about past regrets.

Wish/if only and would

We use wish + would to talk about something in the present that we would like to change – usually something that we find annoying.

• I wish you wouldn‘t borrow my clothes without asking.
• I wish it would rain. The garden really needs some water.
• I wish you’d give up smoking. it’s really bad for you.

NB We can only use wish + would to talk about things we can’t change.

So I wish I wouldn’t eat so much chocolate is not possible although we can say I wish I didn’t eat so much chocolate.